Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Train of thoughts

So I know there isn't all that much happy stuff going on this blog lately. It's strangely little of it in general I'm noticing. Maybe it's just the way I'm screwed together - pretty optimistic but still kinda dark all the time.

It's so easy to end up there. Almost too easy. But then again, nothing inspires art more than depressing thoughts. I'll admit, the trip to Thailand was harder than expected for reasons I can't write about in a blog. But what I managed to get out of it - by my neverending positive view on a negitive episode - is an explotion of ideas for my art. Every night I sat on the porch of my hotelroom and I cried. One night I cried for several hours, just letting the tears fall down in a sad but calming way. The neighbours next door (which was a peculiar family of four not sitting next to eachother and not talking. Families are funny, I've never understood them) sat at the porch right next to me but I still cried, watching up at the sky and stars and thought about all the ones that had died.  How fucked up this world actually is, using up all our energy and time on getting money at a job we hate, at a state of mind which isn't were we want to be. We live this one life in such a short amount of time and all we do is things that makes us cry and hate our lives. I work my ass off. I really do. I work six days a week at a clothing store which makes me so tired because it's not only a big store, but it's also a lot of personalities clashing to handle. And when I then get home, I'm going home to the biggest chaos ever. One thing is handling my business which frankly can't be called that much of a business just yet. It's like three jobs a year and still I'm up to my knees in shit that needs to be dealt with. And of coures in the end the daily basics - getting home, trying to cook a healthy dinner, loose those 10kg, find time to work out, clean up so the roommate won't recent me as much as my last roommates. I'm kind of feeling like I'm drowning at the moment. Oh and yeah where is the time to meet friends and go out? It's barely there.

I have decided to be dead honest about myself on this blog. Because this is me and I don't really feel like there is anything worth hiding. I want to show that being a finished educated photographer isn't all as easy as "just get a job, why are you here in this clothing store?". Am actually starting to think of stop being polite when answering that question, I've gotten it twice a day for the last three years and it's fucking tiresome and useless and everyone that asks it understand that by asking that question (and also coming up with briliant ideas on how I could do it) isn't giving me an epiphany of loose threads I just didn't know how to put together at ALL. Get your shit together, I've been in this game for years.

On the other hand I am pleased to say that I'm not depressed you guys. Haha. This post just got goddamn depressing. I'm alive and well. Just a little overwhelmed and not really sure where to push out the thoughts. Have gotten so many ideas on what to do instead of working full time, so that is a proof that it's not going well for me work-related. Which is not a good thing. And that reflects my whole train of thought. As soon as a solution has showed I might get back on track in moving in the direction I want to go and not being so darn depressing.
Cause I'm not really like this. Though my new thing seem to be an explotion of feelings evolving into me being strict and telling people off. It's happened more than twice this last month. Don't know what that is evolving into though.

 My feet on the porch one of those thoughtfull nights

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