Something struck me today.
I've never been me. Or you know, the me I am now.
We are always changing - down to the molecuels and regenerating of hair and skin and nails and all that stuff - we all know that one. But I am changing so fast these days. It is like my mind is going through a mindblowing big teenager-moment which, instead of using five-ish years, goes through it all within six months and I am transitioning into an adult. Everything that used to be about insecurity, bodyissues and finding out the meaning of life is changed. It's all gone in a twisting but still existing way. I'm still insecure, but I've gotten a ton of new security none the less. I dare more, I don't care if I screw up, I move faster and for once feel like I am moving towards a goal (if only I knew what the goal was, but that sort of doesn't matter either). I still have bodyissues, come on who will ever not have one of those. But it still is changed, I care less, I love myself more. When my fingers glide over the different bodyparts with various amount of stretchmarks and cellulite, I see it with other eyes. I don't see them as flaws, I see them as part of me - and that is strangely beautiful.
Oh and when it comes to finding the meaning of life - well I think I might be kinda over it for this time. It's not like I've lost the will to live or anything, no not even the slightest. No I'm just more relaxed about it. Maybe it has something to do with me finding a job I like and feel relaxed in. I have a firm belief that it all comes down to the job. It is the place you hang out about 50% of your awake state. It's only logical that that place should be somewhere you feel good. It gives me more energy, which then again gives me new ideas towards photography. And since I'm not in any rush of getting out of there, I can do the transition into photographer life in the pace I need it to go - instead of a desperate quickest-possible-way which surely will fail no matter what since I don't have a connection-wealthy father or any money or clue. And besides, how many photographers are doing brilliant and successfull with only photography in the age of 24. Few.
My life is different. I've started surfing food-articles and recipies instead of blogs and tumblrs. I shop antique chairs and drool over marble tables and plan the perfect bathroom instead of buying high heels not possible to walk in.
I want to get rid of my whole wardrobe and get only ten basic outfits that are expensive but so greatly tailored it'll hold for my grandchildren to wear. I use creams and lotions twice a day, I eat fruits like I used to eat snickers, I absolutely love red onion (seriously though, what is that all about) and I clean whenever it is needed instead of that weekly must-have-cleaning-day.
Oh and yeah I've experienced love for the first time ever, so that has changed me monumentally as well. Not any resipricated love, but that was never the thing I needed in the first place. I needed to get faith in me being able to feel and believe it existed. Which I now do, and I see everything so clearly, so diferently, I am someone else and I love her so much. He might have said no (which never was a question really) but that is okay in every way possible. I feel so incredibly good because just by being in my life he showed me me. And I feel so great now cause I can look at any man and see a future I never could before.
I am indeed changing and it is the biggest and quickest change I've had so far. I think is the sign that I am becoming an adult. Soon-to-be-24-year-old adult. And I am in love with it like I've never been in love with anything before.