Saturday, 18 January 2014

I am confronted by the never-ending discussion between the male and female inside of me choosing what is right and not. How do you know who to listen to, they both sound so right.
I am so unfocused and confused and goddamn sad that nothing gets done the way I want it to. I am not running this show I am merely hanging along in the turns and hoping to get through it in one piece. Yes I might be a tad bit vague right now but I can't shout it out but I can't hold it in either. So this is the middleway, the best I can do.

I got asked today what I had of plans for my future. I of course told her what she wanted to hear, but used the rest of the day wondering what on earth my plans are. I have no specific plan on when to get married, when to have kids - I never have. I have no plans or dreams of getting one specific job. No plan for where I want to "end up". Maybe it is a pretty sane thing to do - not getting depressed by life not giving me what I have planned. But still. Shouldn't there be at least some idea on where you are headed? Or is this it? Life is all about hanging on and trying not to fall off. And if you do fall off, you go through a heavy depression, fight your way back up and start the ride once more? I am the queen of my own life, but I have no idea how to run it. Do anyone? Goddamnit twenties, you are ruthless and terrible and beautiful all at once. This last year I've learned about dealing with death, breaking down, coming back up again believing I've reached the top and then at the end realizing I weren't even close cause the real deal just blew up in my face leaving me so goddamn naked and confused. 
I have no idea where to go from this and all I want is someone to hold my hand while walking.

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