...visit Siril in Japan
...get a fashion photo-job in London
...take a roadtrip around europe
...go backpacking around asia with Sarah
...have pretty, classy, high heeled shoes
...have an unending amount of black tights ala Jess in New Girl
...take beautiful pictures all around the world
A little sneak peak of what I'm planning on doing after easter. Or at least one of the things I'm planning on doing.
You see, last month was all about making improvements in the lighting-department and learning some more about the basic. This month (and the ones after) will be all about doing the real deal. My goal is to make at least one professional fashion editorial serie. With "real" models, good clothes, good quality. Or at least as good as I can get.
I have this piercing feeling of the need to renew my life. I want to get rid of about two thirds of my wardrobe, I want to sell shoes, dresses, accesories. I want to delete half of my homepage - actually I want to delete it all and start over with only new pictures. I want to start a new job right away. I want to renew my location. And right now I am willing to do it all. Get rid of things, work in a "dead-end-job", live at home, delete half of my work. I want to be renewed and fresh. Not necessarily different. Just new. The old Camilla in a new package. Stronger, more adult, less kidding around in my professional life. Cause I am actually professional in something. I just haven't been acting and living and breathing it just yet. My last job gave me a hint - it will be the beginning of my understanding of the profession I'm a professional in. It feels wrong to say it, it feels like saying "I am pretty, I look amaze" and whatnot. It's like it's a forbidden thing to say in my head, cause oh my god what would people think. What if I'm not professional after all. But you know what, my minus one trillion dollas on the bank account from two years of school automatically makes me a professional photographer. I'm saying it out loud! Not for anyone else, not to make a icky statement about how good and cool I am or whatever. No, I am saying it out loud for myself. Cause if you want to succeed, you have to believe. And I have to start believe (why do my hands want to write beliebe?). I have to start. Now. Cause I am ready.
So I am really looking forward to the next couple of months. I have started on the search for a job in London, but I know I will not succeed just yet. I don't want to either, I want to be just a tad bit better first. Just a tad before moving to one of the hardest cities ever to live in. I want it too much to listen to the better judgement.
Going through old photos, listening to old songs and thinking about that time when I fell in love every minute and had boys all over (aha, mhm, u herd me, gurl got game) and wished my friend was my bf and loved the "gangstah"-style and Mean Girls and Honey and rihanna and ciara and beyoncè. And goddamn big hoop earrings. And pink. I loved pink.
So here's the pictures from this weekend. It was mostly hanging with the girls and the cat, which suits me pretty good.
I've been sick since friday and today is my last sickday before it's back to work. Back to my old work that is. And you know what, I have no idea how many hours I'll get the next months, I don't know if I'll manage it (financially), I don't know if most of my time will be used in sitting at home watching tv. But you know. I don't care. I hope for it. For the saving-up-to-a-computer-part, then yeah of course I hope on loads of hours. But for the me-part I hope on nothing at all. Not because I'm lazy in any form, but just because I have kind of hit the bottom of the work-my-ass-off-for-a-random-job-barrel. I look forward to some months working for H&M again. I will not search for a new job here in Trondheim. I will take a break until I find myself a job where I'm supposed to be. Not where "I guess I could be, it's close up to what i want anyway".
I don't know, I'm kindof in a strange place now. It's not that I am in any way unsatisfied with my surroundings. I'm having a great time, I am feeling good. Better than in a long time. But you know, there is this feeling of just not getting through in what I want. What do I want? I have absolutely no idea! I honestly have no freaking clue to hold on to. Yeah I would like to work with fashion, but what job could be the one for me? There are plenty to choose from, 90% almost unattainable unless you are 100% determined on it. Where do I want to live? I know I don't want to live here. My hometown is great and pretty and has loads of loveable people in it, but that's where it stops and where I'm feeling I need something else. Something more. Something completely different. But will it be better if I move someplace else? I didn't go better in Copenhagen. What will be different other than myself in London? I am the key, I know that, but somehow I always end up blaming everything else around me. But where do my self-paranoia stop and my everything-else-paranoia start? Cause somewhere along the middle is the truth and answer. I just don't know where. And I don't know how to figure it out. And I don't know what to do to feel okay and satisfied. Do I need a boyfriend for it? What if that is what's missing from my life? But has it then really come to that. All those years with unexplained feelings of worry and unsatisfaction. All because a man is missing. Seriously? Where is the "I am a woman and don't need a man to fulfill my life!"? Maybe it's just a lie all single women say to themselves while eating icecream and watching one tree hill...
I am good, I am gone, as Lykke Li sings in one of my favourite songs.
But mostly I am just sick. But it is all right, I don't mind at all. It gives me time to enjoy the sun (inside through the window, since it is like a houndred and twenty below freezing-point here in Trondheim today) and lie in the sofa, reading blogs and look at photos. The sun is such an underrated thing. Can't remember the last time I saw the sun shine, and this feeling is wonderful!
You know what, I'm gonna make it. I'll get a job, I'll start working with a job I love, I'll do whatever it is successfull and blissfull people do. I'll get a man and an apartment and a baby (one day, surely not now). And I'll travel and see all the beautiful places I've always wanted to see. And most of all, I look forward to the day I'll take a roadtrip with my best friends through USA and the day I'll see all the UFO-tourist-trap-places and I can't wait for the day we are driving in sizzling heat on a straight road, just hanging our hands out the windows and listening to roadtripsongs making us sing along and oh you know, everything like that.
And I can't wait for the wedding of my best friend, which I know will be perfect.
And today I'll get a sleep-over-visit from My girls and we'll bake cupcakes and irritate the cat and watch a movie on the floor with loads of pillows and blankets around us. I can't wait, I love this day even though I'm totally sick. Toooootally sick. But that's ok.
The reflection of me lying on the sofa from the ceiling-lamp
And today I just don't want to exist. Just for today, for tonight. For some hours I'll pretend I'm not here.
Tomorrow can be the day I go back to work without meaning and the neverending sinking feeling of never finding that place in life where everything is ok. Or have we gotten too spoiled wanting it all?
I don't know and for tonight I'm not even here to think about it.
My family members are crying every day. I don't have time cause I have to worry about doing an uncompatible job good. So this day is for you, body. This night is for every bone in my body, for every cell in my head. I don't exist for tonight.
So as I've mentioned in an earlier post, my uncle died in the end of january. And February went out to be the hardest month I've experienced this far. The unexpected thing about February was the way I felt through it all. It was such a different and unusual feeling to hard times.
And to everyones information, February involved in a death, very very little money to live on, overworking my ass off to try to make in the money I "lost" from being home crying for a week, then end up with loosing the work for reasons I won't mention in a blogpost but which was reasonable and mutual, and then of course starting on searching for new jobs while working in the first mentioned one. And trying to make my portfolio as good as possible to try to get a job in London. I am exhausted and have neglected everything that's called hanging out with friends and partying and so on.
But March is the good month because I believe in Karma and now it's been so much negative thrown at me that the next month will be all good. (And it started up with me getting the money my last work in Copenhagen have owned me for ten months now, wohey!)
Well anyway, I did take some pictures throughout this month, and I've just become plain addicted to Instagram, ladies and gentlemen! So here are February in Instagram-ish pictures (some are screen-caps and regular pics I find just as important to post):
The girls / My girls
The morning after his death I went home to my mom. I took this pic on the boat out to where she lives.
The next couple of days were filled with flowers being sent from friends of the family
After four days I went home to my cat again. I gave her a hairbrush which she fell in love with instantly.
On my way to my girls to write a poem for the funeral. Which we also laid in his coffin. Surreal to see someone you love dead. Surreal to see a dead person in general really. So unnatural but still the most natural thing of all.
Buying a funeral-dress. By the way loving my iphone-sticker-cover-thingy!
One day when it was snow on the ground and sun in the sky. Random!
The girls pearled something for their dad to have in his coffin and bring up to heaven with him.
Buffy (the cat) is quite the cuddler! She sleeps more on my face than next to it sometimes.
And this thing right here is like the most enjoyable and insane-in-the-membrain-moment EVER!
One night after work when I felt like being tshirt-cool (It says I <3 london="" p="">
Cat-nap-pictures are like my regular on Instagram. Buffy is adorable!
Me editing pictures real close up and finding my own reflection.
Me being all business-woman-y at work.
And that's all there is from February. March will be a thousand times more optimistic, I promise!
I have these thoughts about writing and about what's cool to write about and not. And I always end up with the feeling of wanting to be completely honest. It has nothing to do with me wanting fame in any form, come on I'm old as a fossil, fame and glory is for those younger than me (actually kinda true and also somewhat depressing). Anyway, what I want to be completely honest and writeable about is the struggle - not in the teens, that's up to Rookie Mag. But the struggle you have in your twenties (or for that matter thirties or fourties). And you are done with your education and you are supposed to succeed. Cause you know what, I am talking with so many these days that is just. not. there. And everybody say the same: They feel alone about it and they have no idea where to even start. Because seriously where do you start? No matter what profession (but especially the freelance-type-of-job), how do you start? And where? And what about the rest of your life? And why do everybody else succeed?
You know, I actually feel a bit fooled. Or not fooled, maybe just... Uninformed? Cause you know, you get loads of stories and tell-tales about teens and about how life is hard when you are an adult and have fulltime job and a family. But I actually got a big shock when I was done with school and entered life outside it. Cause no-one really told me about how it was to stand outside and having to get your own money from the profession you've spent houndreds of thousands (you by the way don't have) on to get. Cause unless you are lucky or a fucking prodigy you are screwed. And it took me about a year to realise that I wasn't alone about it. For a year I thought I was a screw-up with too high, unrealistic expectations of life. Which accidentally also was the year I was living in another country with no-one to understand me (language-wise since danish is a really hard one). It is not to recommend. But then I went home and I found a whole bunch of people exactly where I was. Mind-wise. They were all just as down as me, just as lost. And were are the people talking about this? I know, I know, there are loads of things to talk about in this world. But this matter is kindof important too. Cause there are actually loads that do struggle after their education, on finding work, on finding the right place in life and the profession.
So I think I'm gonna be more honest from now on. Until now I've only given some small hints about my being, but you know, I think I should start making these feelings less embarrasing. Less "wrong".
I'll express every fucking feeling that I have. About life, about feeling like a screwup, about facing obstacles and about the struggle to become what I want to become. Which I by the way don't really know what is half of the time. I don't have that many readers and this blog is majorly just for myself - which it's always been - but I'm just informing that I'm gonna try to be more open and I hope that at least one person reads this and feels a little better because he or she understands that just because it's hard and the mood is mostly down, doesn't mean it's time to give up.