Friday, 5 April 2013

Every day I get flashbacks to the day I got the news he was dead. I relive the moments earlier when I was waiting for the message that it was a false alarm. He had just left his phone while going out and was just momentarily unattainable. I remember the burning feeling that made me cry even though nothing had been revealed - what if it had happened. But no, of course it hadn't, those things never happen to me, right? But that might also be the reason why. This has never happened before.
Every day I relive the phonecall. The message. The sadness that was so intense I could not bare standing up. I remember the floor, the crying - which was crying so deep and loud and heartbreaking I did not know how to survive. I remember crying no, and pleading my uncle to let me please please please come and wait with him for the corroner to come to his house. I could not bare the thought of just sitting still. I remember mom and the worst thing in my life is experiensing my mother being that shattered.

And I wonder if I ever will come to a day when this moment is not repeated in my head. If I ever will think of him without tears in my eyes or a lump in my throat. I can't believe, a year ago, I was living with him, feeling annoyed since he stole the remote and watched football.
I will never experience him again. But I will experience the moment I heard he was dead - over and over again, in my head.

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