I'm finished at a school where I studied the one thing I knew how to feel right with, and got what I suspected - average results. I'm not bad, but hell I aint good either. One part of me feels good about that, how on earth would I feel if I was perfect in it? Then what to do? But still it is that part of me that just wishes I could be just a tad bit above average for once. Cause if this is the one thing that makes me feel so right in this world, shouldn't I get good results in it? Shouldn't this one thing be what makes me special?
So this last week I've been thinking a lot, been ashamed, sad, rootless and bewildered. "What is the point in going to London? It's not like I have anything to acchieve there anyway" "What the hell should I do now? I'm done and I'm still not good".
But yesterday I talked with a friend of mine who, as always, makes me think in so many other directions it's insane. And she reminded me that I still have art. When she sat there talking about Salvador Dali and laughing of my love for Monet, it sort of hit me - I'm not born for that sort of photography. Yes it has been fun, but I've always tried to get my art in it, and that's maybe where I've failed. Cause I don't know myself (who do at the age of twenty), I am twisting myself between art and photography and fashion, and well, if you don't know who you are, how are you supposed to know what is your art or how to express yourself through fashion photography?
So now I think I have sort of decided my course for this fall: I will go to London. But not to become a shooting fashion photography star. I will go there to find myself, find just a hint that tells me that this is the right direction to go. And if I don't find it, well, then I'll move someplace else. So that I at least see the world in the process.