Monday, 14 June 2010

I want to do so much more

Than any of you ever have done. Normal is not enough. Average is an insult. 
What I do now is nothing. It's just preperations and Moderations. I'm not after something that's already been done.
I'm not after happily ever after or acceptance. I'm not after what everyone else wants or needs. I don't do it for you, for them, for anyone. else. than. me. I like what I like. Clichés, monsters, childish behaviour, men and women. I like that people are stupid. I like watching them watching nothing. I like to see that people have no clue on what's going on around them. They just live. But they have no clue on what they're doing, cause they're blind.
I feel I'm not one of them. I'm not one of the people. I see through them. I think differently. Instead of being offended I watch. Instead of being sad I watch. Instead of taking action-I watch. Cause I learn so much more from it, I learn so much more about you. I see your mistakes, I take them and I use them in my silence.

My life is no life any longer. Not like yours. I don't have anything that's made normal. Everything is selfmade. Cause everything that was society-model-built around me is now tore apart. No family No normality No fucking life-long clichés. I am me - building me, my surroundings. And the funny part is: I am so FUCKING happy for it! THANK YOU for showing me that nothing is safe, that nothing is real. Thank you for showing me-underlining it for me- that the life we made for ourselves are nothing anymore. My life is not my life anymore. It is so much more. By tearing the walls down, you showed me the world outside. Wide open, welcoming me to take charge and build something new, something for myself.

And for all of you out there only thinking about falling in love: It means nothing. It is nothing. The romantic relationship between two people are made out of nothing. It means nothing. And you can't see that unless you've experienced that other type of love. The one you get from your family. The one I got from my family. But then again. My family aint like yours. My family is made from scratch by me. I made it - I decided who's a part of it. Cause it is my family. No mum, dad, and a brother and sister. It is whomever I want it to be. It is the ones I love - the ones I truly love. The rest are just persons, people not worth mentioning or worth speaking with. They are ghosts. Still living around me but not worth my time.

Thank you for clearing everything out for me. I am forever grateful for your betrayal. You might think you betrayed my mother the most, but she was blind from the love she had for you. I carried the hope for the both of us. And you made the mistake of breaking the promise you had to me. You are lucky, I am not your blood. I won't hurt you like I am hurting him. Cause you're not worth it. And I don't have time. I am busy working with me, becoming more than anyone ever will be. And that is not smug, not ugly and not self-loving. Whomever not thinking like that has lost the sight of life. It's not about money, not about love, not about what's around you, not about truth. It is about yourself. About myself. If I believe it, it's true.

Thank you. I am much wiser now than what I was.


Sascha said...

Uhm... okay?
I don't get it... i know its taken from somewhere else... but i still don't get it...

Camilla Hay Jenssen said...

Det e ikke tatt fra nån plass, det e æ som skreiv det siden æ villa. og det e ikke meninga at alle ska skjønn alt. :P

Sascha said...

Ah ok, misforsto vel bare den lille "teaser" meldingen i går da :P

David said...

I'm high as a kite, and i just might stop to check you out

Sascha said...

and im as free as a bird now.

og ja, ble god del mer logikk i hele greia når jeg ikke trodde det var copy/pasta.

Anonymous said...

Camilla, you rock!