Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Train of thoughts

So I know there isn't all that much happy stuff going on this blog lately. It's strangely little of it in general I'm noticing. Maybe it's just the way I'm screwed together - pretty optimistic but still kinda dark all the time.

It's so easy to end up there. Almost too easy. But then again, nothing inspires art more than depressing thoughts. I'll admit, the trip to Thailand was harder than expected for reasons I can't write about in a blog. But what I managed to get out of it - by my neverending positive view on a negitive episode - is an explotion of ideas for my art. Every night I sat on the porch of my hotelroom and I cried. One night I cried for several hours, just letting the tears fall down in a sad but calming way. The neighbours next door (which was a peculiar family of four not sitting next to eachother and not talking. Families are funny, I've never understood them) sat at the porch right next to me but I still cried, watching up at the sky and stars and thought about all the ones that had died.  How fucked up this world actually is, using up all our energy and time on getting money at a job we hate, at a state of mind which isn't were we want to be. We live this one life in such a short amount of time and all we do is things that makes us cry and hate our lives. I work my ass off. I really do. I work six days a week at a clothing store which makes me so tired because it's not only a big store, but it's also a lot of personalities clashing to handle. And when I then get home, I'm going home to the biggest chaos ever. One thing is handling my business which frankly can't be called that much of a business just yet. It's like three jobs a year and still I'm up to my knees in shit that needs to be dealt with. And of coures in the end the daily basics - getting home, trying to cook a healthy dinner, loose those 10kg, find time to work out, clean up so the roommate won't recent me as much as my last roommates. I'm kind of feeling like I'm drowning at the moment. Oh and yeah where is the time to meet friends and go out? It's barely there.

I have decided to be dead honest about myself on this blog. Because this is me and I don't really feel like there is anything worth hiding. I want to show that being a finished educated photographer isn't all as easy as "just get a job, why are you here in this clothing store?". Am actually starting to think of stop being polite when answering that question, I've gotten it twice a day for the last three years and it's fucking tiresome and useless and everyone that asks it understand that by asking that question (and also coming up with briliant ideas on how I could do it) isn't giving me an epiphany of loose threads I just didn't know how to put together at ALL. Get your shit together, I've been in this game for years.



On the other hand I am pleased to say that I'm not depressed you guys. Haha. This post just got goddamn depressing. I'm alive and well. Just a little overwhelmed and not really sure where to push out the thoughts. Have gotten so many ideas on what to do instead of working full time, so that is a proof that it's not going well for me work-related. Which is not a good thing. And that reflects my whole train of thought. As soon as a solution has showed I might get back on track in moving in the direction I want to go and not being so darn depressing.
Cause I'm not really like this. Though my new thing seem to be an explotion of feelings evolving into me being strict and telling people off. It's happened more than twice this last month. Don't know what that is evolving into though.

 My feet on the porch one of those thoughtfull nights



Sunday, 24 August 2014

What are my dreams and where did they go













What is this rut I'm in. How do I get out - cause I want to get out so bad I am booking flights for every available date I got. I am running away and this is not how I want my life to be.



Pictures from Hannah&Landon, The Road is Home and various tumblrs.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Selfie-Queen





Took some pictures of myself in my bedroom yesterday, to test out the new location (because I've just moved in to a new place).

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Packe



Going through my old pictures and trying to optimalize my portfolio, and on that note I re-edited some of the pictures I took of my friend Patrik back in desember.

Oh and I have a shoot on sunday, yay!









I long for photoshoots again, something that releases my mind and right now my mind is on my sexuality. I want to take pictures of men, explore my feelings for these wonderful perfect, annoying creatures that I love and hate so intense at the same time. How I want them to pull me in closer, hands on my hips and make me crazy. I want to show my love for the divine bodies and minds that makes my knees weak and my eyes teary, how much I love the feeling they give me. How the love fullfills every inch of my soul and heart and mind. I feel lucky being able to feel this intense and I want to explore it more. I need to do more shoots, I need to get this feeling out. I need to get these thoughts out in the right direction, but I don't really know how.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014


Came home from Thailand this morning. 
Will post pictures and write more about it soon. 

Many new feelings and thoughts came on this trip, maybe it suits me best to not have internet easily available all the time - and to have a balcony with a good temperature so I can sit down for hours and just think. It's been long since I had this much inspiration to do art and explore myself.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Summer part One





Some pictures from the weekend with visit from my family up in Trondheim.
Now it's pack-all-I-can-manage before I'm leaving Norway for two weeks in Thailand.
So goddamn excited, feels like I haven't had a vay-cay like ever. 
(I even bought a underwater-bag, so look out for fun-pics everybody!)

Monday, 7 July 2014

Window



So I ended up taking some reflected selfies - my secret favourite actually. 
I love in-the-window-at-night-selfies. The colours of a night-lit street is so magical. 

Thursday, 26 June 2014


Monday, 23 June 2014

Something struck me today.
I've never been me. Or you know, the me I am now.
We are always changing - down to the molecuels and regenerating of hair and skin and nails and all that stuff - we all know that one. But I am changing so fast these days. It is like my mind is going through a mindblowing big teenager-moment which, instead of using five-ish years, goes through it all within six months and I am transitioning into an adult. Everything that used to be about insecurity, bodyissues and finding out the meaning of life is changed. It's all gone in a twisting but still existing way. I'm still insecure, but I've gotten a ton of new security none the less. I dare more, I don't care if I screw up, I move faster and for once feel like I am moving towards a goal (if only I knew what the goal was, but that sort of doesn't matter either). I still have bodyissues, come on who will ever not have one of those. But it still is changed, I care less, I love myself more. When my fingers glide over the different bodyparts with various amount of stretchmarks and cellulite, I see it with other eyes. I don't see them as flaws, I see them as part of me - and that is strangely beautiful.
Oh and when it comes to finding the meaning of life - well I think I might be kinda over it for this time. It's not like I've lost the will to live or anything, no not even the slightest. No I'm just more relaxed about it. Maybe it has something to do with me finding a job I like and feel relaxed in. I have a firm belief that it all comes down to the job. It is the place you hang out about 50% of your awake state. It's only logical that that place should be somewhere you feel good. It gives me more energy, which then again gives me new ideas towards photography. And since I'm not in any rush of getting out of there, I can do the transition into photographer life in the pace I need it to go - instead of a desperate quickest-possible-way which surely will fail no matter what since I don't have a connection-wealthy father or any money or clue. And besides, how many photographers are doing brilliant and successfull with only photography in the age of 24. Few.

My life is different. I've started surfing food-articles and recipies instead of blogs and tumblrs. I shop antique chairs and drool over marble tables and plan the perfect bathroom instead of buying high heels not possible to walk in.
I want to get rid of my whole wardrobe and get only ten basic outfits that are expensive but so greatly tailored it'll hold for my grandchildren to wear. I use creams and lotions twice a day, I eat fruits like I used to eat snickers, I absolutely love red onion (seriously though, what is that all about) and I clean whenever it is needed instead of that weekly must-have-cleaning-day.
Oh and yeah I've experienced love for the first time ever, so that has changed me monumentally as well. Not any resipricated love, but that was never the thing I needed in the first place. I needed to get faith in me being able to feel and believe it existed. Which I now do, and I see everything so clearly, so diferently, I am someone else and I love her so much. He might have said no (which never was a question really) but that is okay in every way possible. I feel so incredibly good because just by being in my life he showed me me. And I feel so great now cause I can look at any man and see a future I never could before.
I am indeed changing and it is the biggest and quickest change I've had so far. I think is the sign that I am becoming an adult. Soon-to-be-24-year-old adult. And I am in love with it like I've never been in love with anything before.

One saturday in June


One saturday in June we downloaded a drinking-game-app, got drunk, danced to pussycatdolls and went out to drink and dance some more at our favourite place. I love that she's here, my world is perfect.

Saturday, 14 June 2014

Alavi by Mahshid Alavi


So finally I am allowed to post the pictures I took for my gorgeous and talented friend Mahshid Alavi. She goes to a fashion-school here in Oslo and needed photos of her graduation-line. The clothes are amazing and I can't believe she managed to make this - imagine being so talented! 
I've posted all the photos on my photo-blog (trying to keep my personal blog personal and have another one for the jobs you kno). 

Check them out you guys! 

I feel okay

It's not like I'm jumping out of glee from watching the pictures of them two together, kissing, holding hands, looking like the most perfect morphed-into-eachother-couple ever. No of course not, there is a reason I've hidden him from my Facebook newsfeed.
No that's not the part I am okay with. I'm okay with the feeling that gets me when I see him. I love him, amazing how this feeling is, I mean I've never really had it. So it is so exciting just to feel it, just to bask in it's glory. You know, the way you explore something entirely new, something you thought was a feeling you never were to feel or understand. He is happy with her, she is gorgeous - so is he. He looks genuinely happy with her. And I love him so much I goddamn don't even feel jealous. Or yeah sure, I picture myself next to him instead of her and that feels better - but I'm not jealous in the usual "oh my god, she's such a whore, I'm so much cooler than her, he's an idiot for not seeing it". No I'm not at all. I feel happy. For him. And I feel happy for me, for feeling this way. For finally - FINALLY - feeling so much for someone you actually genuinely want them to be happy before anything else. I've never felt this way. Never understood it, never seen it. And I know I will be okay because I've opened up a door I didn't thing existed earlier. I'm on my way to find someone for me, and I weren't ready for it earlier. Hell, I wasn't really ready for it when I was in a relationship for two years either. But that's a whole other story, and all about teenager thinking and way of behaving. 

I am okay. Because I feel okay when I look at pictures of him, of them. It is okay now. Let the next one come, cause I am ready to feel that feeling he gave me again. Hell, maybe I'm already growing on something similar already. Or maybe it's just the warmth from the sun that's finally back.



Let's round up this post with all the bachelors I surely wouldn't say no to evvur.